Perfectionism: Beneath the Surface and Loosening Its Grip

Do you ever feel like no matter how hard you try, it’s never quite enough? Maybe you're constantly chasing the next achievement or berating yourself for not doing things “right.” You might appear calm and capable on the outside, but inside, you're exhausted—from holding everything together, from trying to meet impossible standards, from never feeling like you can fully rest.

Perfectionism can shape how we relate to ourselves, to others, and to life itself. While it often masquerades as a strength—ambition, high standards, attention to detail—it can quietly erode self-worth, connection, and well-being. The good news? These patterns are not permanent. With the right support, it’s possible to loosen perfectionism’s grip and relate to yourself in a more balanced way.

Perfectionism as a Coping Strategy

Perfectionism doesn’t mean you're “too organized” or just really motivated. It often stems from a deeper fear—of failure, disapproval, or not being enough. It can be a protective shield, especially if you grew up in an environment where love felt conditional on achievement, appearance, or performance.

Over time, this coping strategy can become rigid and painful. You might feel anxious when things are uncertain, avoid tasks unless you’re sure you can succeed, or overwork to avoid the shame of “messing up.” You may find yourself setting unrealistic expectations for yourself—or others—and feeling chronically disappointed or disconnected.

Perfectionism is a learned pattern. And like all patterns, it can be understood, softened, and reworked.

Common Patterns of Perfectionism

Perfectionism shows up in many forms—some obvious, some subtle. Here are a few common dynamics that therapy can help unpack:

All-or-Nothing Thinking: You’re either doing it perfectly or failing completely. There's little room for gray areas or learning curves.

Harsh Inner Critic: Your internal voice might sound like a relentless drill sergeant—offering criticism instead of encouragement, even for small mistakes.

Procrastination & Burnout: Because the stakes feel so high, tasks may be delayed until they can be done just right—which often leads to avoidance or last-minute panic.

Control in Relationships: You might try to manage or “fix” others as a way to reduce anxiety—leading to tension, resentment, or disconnection.

Healing Perfectionism: What Helps

Healing perfectionism isn’t about lowering your standards—it’s about redefining what truly matters. Instead of constantly trying to prove your worth, the focus shifts to honoring your needs, values, and well-being. Here are a few steps that support lasting change:

Self-Compassion Practice: Learning to speak to yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend can quiet the inner critic and build emotional resilience.

Redefining Success: Therapy can help you explore whose standards you're living by—and what truly matters to you. What would it feel like to succeed on your own terms?

Building Tolerance for "Good Enough": Practicing flexibility, spontaneity, and vulnerability can expand your capacity for joy, creativity, and real connection.

Understanding the Roots: Often, perfectionism began as a survival strategy. Unpacking its origins helps reduce shame and open up new ways of being.

You Don’t Have to Do It All—Or Do It Alone

Letting go of perfectionism isn’t about becoming careless. It’s about becoming more fully human—messy, resilient, and real. Therapy can offer a compassionate space to explore these patterns, understand where they come from, and begin practicing something different: balance, ease, and self-trust.

Let’s Work Together

If you’re tired of the pressure to be perfect—or if perfectionism is impacting your relationships, work, or sense of self—I’m here to help.

I offer a free 15-minute consultation to see if we’re a good fit. Sessions are available in person in Los Angeles and via telehealth throughout California.