Old Strategies, New Contexts: How Defense Mechanisms Show Up in Adulthood
Defense mechanisms are unconscious strategies we use to avoid emotional discomfort. They help us manage stress, shame, fear, or conflict—often without us even realizing it.
In many cases, they form early. As children, we adapt quickly to our environment. If expressing emotion felt unsafe, unpredictable, or ineffective, we learned to protect ourselves in other ways—by shutting down, distracting, fixing, or over-functioning. These defenses helped us to survive at the time. But as adults, they can interfere with how we relate to ourselves and others.
Common Defense Mechanisms
Intellectualizing – Turning emotion into analysis to stay in control.
Minimizing – Downplaying pain or conflict: “It’s not that bad.”
Avoiding/Numbing – Staying busy, distracted, or detached to avoid feeling.
Caretaking – Focusing on others' needs to avoid your own.
Sarcasm or Humor – Using levity to deflect emotional vulnerability.
Often, these coping strategies operate quietly in the background. They develop for self-protection and reflect what was necessary in earlier environments.
Why It Matters
These patterns can become problematic when they limit emotional honesty, block self-awareness, or prevent meaningful connection. Left unexamined, they can keep you stuck in repetitive cycles—emotionally distant, overwhelmed, or misunderstood.
You don’t need to get rid of them. You just need to understand when they’re useful—and when they’re getting in the way.
How to Start Shifting These Patterns
Notice the pattern – especially when you feel reactive, shut down, or overly in control.
Get curious – What might this be protecting? What feels too vulnerable right now?
Pause – Give yourself a moment before falling into your usual response.
Experiment with small shifts – Try tolerating an emotion a little longer, or naming a feeling—even briefly.
Over time, awareness builds flexibility. You get more choice in how you show up—with yourself and with others.
Therapy can help identify these patterns, understand where they come from, and work with them—not against them.
If that’s something you’re ready for, I offer a free 15-minute consultation. Sessions are available in person in Los Angeles and via telehealth throughout California.
