Perfectionism: Understanding and Loosening Its Grip
Do you ever feel like no matter how hard you try, it’s never quite enough? Maybe you're constantly chasing the next achievement or berating yourself for not doing things “right.” You might appear calm and capable on the outside, but inside, you're exhausted—from holding everything together, from trying to meet impossible standards, from never feeling like you can fully rest.
Perfectionism can shape how we relate to ourselves, to others, and to life itself. While it often masquerades as a strength—ambition, high standards, attention to detail—it can quietly erode self-worth, connection, and well-being. The good news? These patterns are not permanent. With the right support, it’s possible to loosen perfectionism’s grip and relate to yourself in a more balanced way.
Perfectionism as a Coping Strategy
Perfectionism doesn’t mean you're “too organized” or just highly motivated. It often stems from a deeper fear—of failure, disapproval, or not being enough. It can act as a protective shield, especially if you grew up in an environment where love felt conditional on achievement, appearance, or performance.
Over time, this coping strategy can become rigid and painful. You might feel anxious when things are uncertain, avoid tasks unless you’re sure you can succeed, or overwork to avoid the shame of “messing up.” You may find yourself setting unrealistic expectations for yourself—or others—and feeling chronically disappointed or disconnected.
Perfectionism is a learned pattern. And like all patterns, it can be understood, softened, and reshaped.
Common Patterns of Perfectionism
Perfectionism shows up in many forms—some obvious, some subtle. Here are common dynamics that therapy can help address:
All-or-Nothing Thinking: You’re either doing it perfectly or failing completely. There’s little room for gray areas or learning curves.
Harsh Inner Critic: Your internal voice might sound like a relentless drill sergeant—offering criticism instead of encouragement.
Procrastination & Burnout: Because the stakes feel so high, tasks may be delayed until they can be done just right.
Control in Relationships: You might try to manage or “fix” others to reduce anxiety, which can lead to tension or disconnection.
Healing Perfectionism: What Helps
Healing perfectionism isn’t about lowering standards—it’s about rethinking success and prioritizing your well-being. Steps that support lasting change include:
Self-Compassion Practice: Speak to yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend to quiet the inner critic.
Redefining Success: Explore whose standards you’re living by and what truly matters to you.
Building Tolerance for “Good Enough”: Practicing flexibility, spontaneity, and vulnerability expands your capacity for joy and connection.
Understanding the Roots: Recognizing that perfectionism often began as a survival strategy reduces shame and opens up new ways of being.
You Don’t Have to Do It All—Or Do It Alone
Letting go of perfectionism isn’t about becoming careless. It’s about becoming more fully human—messy, resilient, and real. Therapy provides a compassionate space to explore these patterns, understand their origins, and begin practicing balance, ease, and self-trust.
Let’s Work Together
If perfectionism is impacting your relationships, work, or sense of self, I’m here to help. I offer a free 15-minute consultation to see if we’re a good fit. Sessions are available in person in Los Angeles and via telehealth throughout California.
