Understanding Anxious Attachment: Why It Feels So Hard to Let Go
Have you ever found yourself obsessing over a breakup, feeling like something’s wrong with you, or constantly seeking reassurance from your partner? These can be common signs of anxious attachment—a relational style that often stems from a fear of abandonment and a deep need for closeness.
Understanding your attachment style isn’t about pathologizing or judging yourself; it’s about getting curious: What shaped the way I connect with others? How does this show up in my relationships—and in my grief when I experience loss?
What Is Anxious Attachment?
Anxious attachment typically develops when early caregiving was inconsistent, leading to a deep need for connection paired with the fear that it might be lost. As adults, people with anxious attachment can feel insecure, easily triggered by perceived distance, and struggle with the sense that they’re “not enough” for their partners.
How It Shows Up in Relationships
Anxious attachment can show up in a variety of ways, some of which might feel familiar:
Overanalyzing texts, tone, or time between replies
Feeling insecure, even when the relationship is stable
Becoming preoccupied with your partner’s needs, often at the expense of your own
Feeling hurt or rejected by perceived distance or disconnection
Worrying that you’re “too much” or “not enough” to be loved long-term
These patterns aren’t flaws. They’re coping mechanisms, learned over time in response to inconsistent emotional support.
Anxious Attachment and Breakups
For those with anxious attachment, breakups can feel especially painful. When a connection ends, it often triggers:
Intense grief, anxiety, or self-blame
A desire to understand what went wrong or even try to "fix" things
Difficulty letting go or moving on
The fear of abandonment feels amplified, and you may find yourself asking: Did I do something wrong? Can I figure out what happened so it doesn’t happen again?
How Healing Begins
Healing from anxious attachment involves building self-trust and emotional resilience. A key step is recognizing that becoming preoccupied with others’ needs or trying to shape our behavior to gain closeness is not an effective or long-lasting solution. While this might offer temporary comfort, it often leads to frustration, resentment, and disconnection because it doesn’t allow for authentic, mutual connection.
Some steps toward healing include:
Self-soothing instead of seeking reassurance
Recognizing protest behaviors (like excessive texting) that can push others away
Building emotional regulation to manage fear and anxiety
Exploring the root of your attachment to understand where these patterns came from and how to shift them
Therapy offers a supportive space to explore these patterns, heal, and begin to form more secure, genuine connections.
Let’s Work Together
If you’re struggling with the aftermath of a breakup or finding yourself stuck in anxious attachment patterns, therapy can offer support. Together, we can build strategies that help you feel more secure and grounded in your relationships.
Let’s connect.
I offer a free 15-minute consultation to see if we’d be a good fit. Sessions are available in person in Los Angeles and via telehealth throughout California.
